You Might Be In Denial

Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

By Lori La Bey, founder of Alzheimer’s Speaks

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to apologize to anyone who was offended by the original title of this piece “You Might Be Demented If…”  Although I got many comments saying the article was right on, I only received one comment on the title which used the word “demented.”   I loved her honesty and willingness to raise awareness of how important our words are, which I am well aware of.

In fact, I struggled with what word(s) to choose… dementia, demented, losing it, going crazy…  I wanted this to be a takeoff of “You Might Be A Redneck…” by Jeff Foxworthy, to be lighthearted enough to be heard, yet hit home with a punch; and so I chose the word “demented.”  I was actually looking forward to having our community discuss the importance of words and their perceptions.  In fact, here are a couple of great resources on just that point:

Dementia alliance International

Dementia Action Alliance

Anyways, hear is the article with a new title.  I think it will still hit home and be shared by others which is the point of writing it in the first place, to raise awareness.  What I have learned is the shift to dementia friendly is taking hold even STRONGER than I thought which is wonderful!

Sometimes I wonder who has dementia, myself included.  As Care Partners we are the ones whose executive function is supposed to be intact.  We are the ones who are to be logical and understanding…   But I’ve found caregiver denial and caregiver burnout looks very much like dementia.  Here are some signs you might be a Care Partner in denial or burnt out!

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You call a person with dementia to remind them of an appointment and then wondered why they aren’t ready to go or miss the appointment… Because they have a memory problem!

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

If you try to argue with a person with dementia…  Because you know darn well someone with a cognitive impairment can’t always process information logically.

  You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You have given someone with dementia directions to the bathroom and found out later they got lost and had an accident and then got mad at the person…  Because you didn’t connect the dots that you may have been able to avoid that embarrassing situation for them and you by assisting them to the restroom.

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You ask someone with dementia a complex question and then are surprised when they get angry or look at you with a blank stare…  When you know it’s best to break things down into 1 or 2 simple steps.

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You snap at someone for repeating the same thing over and over… When you know it’s new to them each and every time!

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You finish a sentence for a person living with dementia because it was taking them way “TOO LONG” to state their thoughts and then were surprised when they either pull out of the conversation or got mad at you for seemingly no reason…  When we all know most people with dementia need a few extra seconds to process their thoughts.

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You direct all your questions and comments to the Care Partner while ignoring the person with dementia and then wondered why the person with dementia becomes withdrawn and non-responsive…  Knowing that all people want to feel valued and validated, even those living with dementia.

 You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You spoke to a person with memory loss in a loud tone and slow pace… Because apparently you can’t differentiate the difference between being hard of hearing and having dementia.

You Might Be In Denial Or Burnt Out As A Care Partner If…

You told someone with dementia they can’t drive anymore getting into a big fight with them…  As you held tight to not validating their feelings of loss of independence because you were totally focused on your own feelings of guilt and grief of the changes in your relationship.

Yes, sometimes I wonder who really has dementia… Don’t you?