The Clock Never Ticks So Loudly As When Waiting For A Loved One To Pass
The Clock Never Ticks So Loudly As When Waiting For A Loved One To Pass
By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends
Here is a communication between a wonderful daughter and myself. She is struggling in her Mother’s last hours on hospice. We have been communicating privately and I know as we’ve talked before she is ok with me sharing communications. Her struggle is a common one on many levels. Please read her comments and my response. This blog was started and will continue to be a tools to learn from each others experiences.
Hi Lori…my mom is still hanging in there, but today I went to make final funeral arrangements for her since they seem to be giving her 24-72 hours to live. I simply cannot go back to visit my mom anymore, it’s just too much. I do not want to sit there and wait for her to die. Making those final arrangements were tough but I had my husband with me who helped me not make too many hasty decisions.
I’m home now resting, just took a sleeping pill and ready to sleep for the night. I am so mentally exhausted by this.
You are in my thoughts and hope you are back to feeling well again 🙂
My response to this wonderful daughter in need of support –
Oh Honey,
I’m so sorry. I know how draining all this is on you. I’ve been there and lived it with my Father. It sounds like you should be able to get a good night’s sleep. I’m glad to hear that. It’s wonderful your husband is so supportive. For that you are extremely lucky. Let him take care of you, when you are too exhausted to do it yourself. Let him protect you, as it gives him the opportunity to express how much HE LOVES YOU!
Also know it’s ok if you can’t sit with your Mom until the heavens part and accept your Mother into all their glory. She will understand and you have to remember you’ve done your work with her. She knows how you feel and how difficult this transition is on you. Many times people won’t pass with loved ones near if they know it will be too difficult on them. So rest assured, you are doing the right thing for you and that is what your Mother would want. I can tell from your writings the bond you two hold. You don’t want her in pain and she doesn’t wish that on you either.
Be proud of how you have, and continue to handle this journey. You are filled with loving intentions and it spills over to all you write, and I’m sure ,all you do and touch.
Remember the reaction you got from your Mother when you told her you loved her. How she came out of her cocoon and expressed acknowledgement of you words and touch. I would imagine that memory will be hard to beat. Never release that feeling of joy you had. Your Mother knows you love her and want what is best for her, and that you have fought to make sure she is comfortable, safe, and pain free.
You have been your Mother’s guardian angel through this process, and she will soon be yours. Embrace the thought of always being connected, no matter where each of you is. You have a divine connection through love and in love with your Mother.
Sleep tight. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m here is you need me.
Lori
My heart goes out to your reader! It is a hard journey. Maybe your mom needs to hear you say, “Mom I love you and it’s okay for you to let go. I’ll be okay.” When we knew it was time for our mother to pass, my siblings and I all shared this message with her. We feel this let her pass in peace.
May you find peace and comfort through this difficult time.
HI Beth,
Thanks your kind words of support. This Reader has connected with her Mother and told her on many occasions it’s ok to go. Her story is incredable and I am so proud of her on how she has handle this journey. If you read comments under another boat flip you will see much of our discussions their, but not all.
Thanks again for your comments
Lori
See, see, that is the thing I haven’t done yet, tell her it is ok to go home now, I will be fine, she can go home to dad. No, I came to grips with letting her go last fall, and the decline from that point was mind boggling. I let her go, stopped holding on then, but actually saying good bye, it’s time whenever your ready, no, haven’t done that yet. When do you know it is the right time? How do you get those words out of your mouth, out of your heart? I have read many times a loved one often leaves quickly once you say it is ok to go, say those goodbyes. I know in that sense I am still holding on, because I just don’t know how to say goodbye yet.
HI Donna,
Great question! “How do you know when it is the time right to say good bye?”
I look at it like this, and actually did this with my Father and have with my Mother, although my Mother is still alive and in her end stages. I started talking about it prior to the very end. Now not everyone reading will have this time and that is ok, because there is no right or wrong time to speak these words.
It’s all about your perception of what will happen when you say the words. REMEMBER this, as it is critical!
For me, I told Dad and Mom many times that what I wanted, was for them to be pain free and happy. That I would be ok when they decide the time is right for them. That I would be there until the timing is right for them to pass. That I love them and always will no matter how far apart we may seem.
You see, I think many people, myself included think that saying “Good Bye” means they are going to go. They are going to die right then and there. In reality, we just don’t have that much control. I like you have heard that many times once you say good bye they depart, but they are just as many if not more who continue to live. Once you accept this life and death decision is not yours, but theirs, the burden is lifted. You will feel lighter. The heaviness goes away. You can breathe normally again. It is God’s will. Whoever their God is. Whoever your God is.
Realizing this flips the whole situation. Now instead of feeling like you are, “Pulling the Plug on their life,” you are supporting their decision. This is HUGE! You are now in a state of true unconditional love, putting their needs and wants first. The guilt is lifted from you. Your words flow smoothly as they are come from love. But you might ask how will they know that?
Remember, like them we express ourselves through multiple ways or senses. Our tears as they fall upon them, our quivering voice as we speak the words, “It’s ok to let go. We will be all right,” our shaking hand or trembling bodies as hold them all communicate how difficult this is for us. They receive these communications through their senses and know your words come out of a deep, deep love and respect for them. Even if they seem non-responsive they will know.
As I write this post, tears are flowing from my eyes knowing I will have to feel the pain of my Mother passing some day, probably sooner than later. It never is easy, because we ache at our loss, but with our loss comes great peace for them. There is no better gift then loving unconditionally and putting your loved one first, and knowing you will make it through this journey one way or another. It is normal, it’s healthy, and not about to stop just because you can’t or won’t deal with it. So your choice is to carry the burden of guilt thinking you control the situation of when they will die, or releasing your fears and guilt by embracing the possibility that there are higher powers at work and a peaceful place for us to go to rest at the end of our life’s journey.
Thank you again for your comment and question.
Lori
Lori, as you know my mom passed away peacefully on Janujary 7, 2010. I thought I cried for her and was ready to let her go, but I just realized that I never cried THAT CRY…the pain of her passing. To realize that I will never talk to her anymore, make her laugh by telling her jokes and just calling her all day long, sometimes 3-4 times a day, talking about nothing. I miss that. With my mother’s death, my past is gone. I remember telling my mom that if she ever died, I wouldn’t be able to make it. She would say time and again, that I would be okay and I would be fine. As a matter of fact, we would argue about how I would be if she ever passed away. Well she would be so proud of me. I am going to be fine…just for her..because she said I would be. Yes, it hurts so bad, one minute I am fine and the next minute I am crying. Thank goodness for the avenue of prayer, my husband and friends like you Lori. I appreciate your friendship, encouragement and concern during this terrible journey. I will always remember your kindness and especially so when I texted you to tell you that she passed away. That was soo special to me the way you reached out to me. You are a special woman 🙂
We will having her memorial service next Saturday and I will be thinking of you also. Thanks so much Lori…you will never be forgotten.
No, thisi s not the last time for me posting…I just wanted you to know how I felt and how much I appreciate your kindness.
Take care dear friend and I will talk to you later:)
HI Michelle,
I have thought of you often, wondering how you were doing. I can only imagine. I have lost my Father but I know it will be different when my Mother passes. Each experience is special and unique, just as each of those crying jags for loss of another piece of our loved one. You have been your Mother’s strength and angel for so very long. I am so glad you were able to find a new way to connect with her in the end stages.
I must say, found your words interesting “With my mother’s death, my past is gone.” They made me ponder and you know I can ponder! So, after much thought I want to share with you the following:
“With your Mother’s death, your past has just begun.” I look at it like this, now is a new passage, a new phase of your life, one without her in your physical world, but she remains to live in your heart and mind. Given what you have been through and how much you loved your Mother, I just can’t see you letting go of your past. Forgetting it…having your “past be gone”. I feel you will embrace your past, relive those special moments with your Mom, the big ones, the small ones, the goofy times… Those special times that melted the two of you together in love. I see you living this new phase of your life with intent – strong, profound, filled with joy and love as that is what you Mother wanted for you. Not that you won’t have moments of grief, of loss, of loneliness but your Mother knew and she told you, “You will be fine.”
I appreciate your kind comments and am happy I could be of comfort to you. Your ability to share your feelings has taught me much and so I must thank you as well. I feel like we are soul sisters in this Alzheimer’s journey and have a special connection through our Mother’s. It would be fun to meet sometime. I feel like our Mother’s will when my Mother passes, and that makes me smile. They seemed to be so much alike.
You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I’m so glad to hear that was not your last post.
Take care and God bless
Lori
Very true, so poignant. Thanks for posting.
I am so disturbed as to why the nursing home has never called to say anything. I realize that patients come and go, but a small expression of sympathy would help right about now. I don’t want to feel that my mom was “just another patient” to them that died. THAT WAS MY MOM!!
Hi Michelle,
I apologize for getting back so late on your messages. I’ve been in meeting all day and evening.
From what you have shared, your Mother was definitely not just another patient. You also have to remember, staff have a difficult job as well because many adopt our parents as their own when caring for them. Many feel loss and grief just like us. It’s a balancing act for them as death is a fact of the job.
They may surprise you let. I know with my Dad I was shocked several came to the wake and the burial. There was even one staff who sent a later a week or so after Dad’s death, about how deeply he touched her life. She was a staffer I knew, but was not even a primary caregiver for Dad.
I will pray the nursing home acknowledges your loss and theirs. If they don’t, you may want to write them a letter or talk with someone there, letting them know what a small gesture could mean to the next family who loses a loved one.
Sending you a big hug
Lori
the memorial service was beautiful. it was standing room only as many, many friends of my family paid their respects to my mother. the services were very comforting and and my mom would have like it. the repast was at my mother’s home where there were upwards to over 250 people. i wished my mother could have seen the love. she would have been overwhelmed. many of my mom’s former colleagues were there along with some of her students. my mom was a very well loved woman. we have little family, so mostly the support we received were from our own friends.
my mom would have been proud of us. i consider myself a spiritual minded person and with the faith that i have it gives me the comfort that i need during this difficult time. at times i still cry and friends tell me it is normal.
just wanted to update you. take care my dear friend, lori, and thank you once again for all your encouragement during this most difficult time.
Hi Michelle,
I was thinking of you all day on Friday and Saturday wondering how you were doing. I’m so glad to hear from you and to know how beautifully things went. WOW, your Mom was truly loved.
I am a believer that your Mother was around to check out the show and was extremely proud of all of you, along her many friends paying their respects. What a pleasant feeling that must be to watch… as people gather to pay respect to your life. I can’t even imagine the emotions one would feel.
Michelle, please know you played a key role letting your Mother pass in peace, knowing how loved she was and will remain to be. You have been a great role model to many of us.
Thank you for sharing and being so honest. It truly is helpful. Please know too, your friends are right. The tears you shed are normal. It’s part of the process. I think of each tear as a symbol of a specific moment in life where the person who has passed on has touched me deeply. Given your relationship with your Mother, there will be a lot of tears, but each is filled with love and remembrances of a life well lived.
Kudos Girl Kudos!
Love ya
Lori
Awesome post. I so good to see someone taking the time to share this information
Hi Talisha
I am glad you liked the post!
lori